ChaoticMind 1

Its a hot night in Sacramento. My computer screen is blurry so I reach for my glasses.. I can’t sleep tonight, mainly because the temperature in the bed room is a little too warm. This reminds me of when the air conditioning was out in Phoenix, AZ and we would manage to sleep in that disgusting hot weather all summer. Some how I still feel comfortable as I remind myself there are people who don’t have air conditioning at all, people who sleep outside on a daily basis. Many thoughts run through my head, and I know if I said everything out loud I would sense that others may not understand where I am coming from, might not read the under-tone of each phrase. Language.

Earlier on the car ride overto my sisters place I couldn’t seem to kick the Canadian eh or the french accent I had been around for the previous past week. What a beautiful language to listen to… French.. I flip back to a time my friends and I were driving in the car, they played a French rap song, something I had never heard before. Do you like it? Ericka asks as it ends. I reply “yes” Emanuel instantly states he knows when a person is lying and so does Ericka, that they are experts at this. Somewhat upsetting because that was a genuine answer I gave. Was it the insecurity they had of playing it in front of me?  Was it the tone of my reply that gave that reaction? Or did I sense a uncertainty and therefore gave them the reaction they thought I would have. I’ll never know, what I know is to not take this comment personal. I don’t even protest, I just leave it as is.

I try to quiet my thoughts as they run wild. I feel as if people can feel others thoughts and this is how they sense their mood. For instance, If I were to think I’m not being included in the conversation long enough and make a couple frantic eye gestures, I know my sister will try to include me… and this goes without saying a word. I just read in a book that says we are constantly meeting our self in others. Is my sister me? Is this world a illusion of my own creation? Does she have a different illusion in which she was thinking I would feel out of place, and as result I felt so, therefore she included me? Is this is her world not my own? or ours?  Are we individualized? or is everyone one? Normally this anxious reaction would play out in reality, however today I manage to avoid the attention at dinner. Today is not my day. It is my sisters birthday. I still stutter my words but I don’t feel the nervous heat on my face, this must be the medication I started. I had more interactions in the past week then I would have in 6 months outside of work and seemed to do lovely. Maybe the nervous heat was there I just couldn’t feel it, making me more confident in carrying on with casual conversation. Karma, I start to think of things that might seem to be foul play for me, my intentions behind them. Am I doing things blindly? Or is there a prevalent reason for my actions? I need to work on this.

California, oh how the energy glistens here. Something about the air.. or is it the people themselves? All I want to do is comment on the waves rippling through the air. I don’t wish to be singled out or make them feel uncomfortable so I hush, after all, there is no color most of the time and when I do see the color aura glistening off them I find no words. One day the colors will be more visible and the words will flow like a calm river.

I thank you universe. My eyes tire as I type finally. Hopefully this is the end of my night and the beginning to my morning.